An apology has three sentences in it: what you did, what it did to her, and what changes. Everything else on the page is either the door left open or the thing that ruins it. Every example here is short on purpose.
The shape
- What you did. Specific. No softening.
- What it did to her. The sentence men skip.
- What changes. One concrete thing.
- The door. "When you're ready." Then stop.
1. After a fight
Kayla,
I was wrong Friday. You asked me not to bring up money in front of your parents and I did it anyway, and then I made a joke about it when you looked at me. That was the worst part.
You didn't say anything on the drive home and I let you sit in it instead of pulling over.
I'm not going to do that again. If it comes up, I'll say it's between us and change the subject, and if I slip, you can call me on it in front of whoever.
I'd like to talk when you're ready. Not before.
Marcus
2. After forgetting something that mattered
Jen,
I forgot your mom's surgery was Tuesday. You'd told me three times. You sat in that waiting room alone because I was at a job I could have moved.
I know it's not about the surgery. It's that you've stopped expecting me to remember, and you're right to.
It's in my phone now with two alarms, and so is every appointment you've mentioned since. That's not the fix. Showing up is. I'll be there for the follow-up on the 22nd. I already told work.
I'm sorry.
Drew
3. After a lie
Sam,
I lied about where I was Saturday. I was at Mike's, it wasn't anything, and I lied anyway because I didn't want the conversation. That's the part that matters: I'd rather lie than have a hard conversation with you, and you found that out.
You can't trust what I say right now. That's fair.
No more editing. If I'm somewhere you wouldn't love, you'll hear it from me first, every time, even when it's awkward. I'm not asking you to believe that today. I'm asking you to watch.
Whenever you want to talk. I'm not going anywhere.
Chris
4. After saying something cruel
Bri,
What I said about your job was meant to hurt and it did. I knew exactly where to aim and I aimed there. That's the thing I'm sorry for, more than the words.
You've been working harder than anyone I know and I made you feel small about it in your own kitchen.
I don't get to say that again, ever, angry or not. If I'm that angry, I leave the room. That's the rule now.
I'd like to make it right in person when you're ready.
Nate
5. When it was partly her fault too
Ash,
This is just my half. We can talk about the rest when we talk.
I raised my voice and I walked out, and you were left standing there in the middle of a sentence. Walking out is the thing I always said I'd never do.
Next time I'm getting loud, I'm going to say "I need ten minutes" and go sit on the porch, and then come back. Back is the important part.
I'm sorry for my half. I mean that without a "but."
T
6. After a breakup, when you want to say it right
Lauren,
This isn't a letter asking for anything. You don't have to answer it.
I handled the end badly. I went cold instead of honest, and you spent two months guessing what I was thinking because I wouldn't say it. That wasn't fair to you and I knew it while I was doing it.
You were good to me. Better than I was to you at the end. I wanted that on paper somewhere.
I hope you're okay. I mean it plainly.
Eli
7. For your wife, after a long stretch of not showing up
Carla,
It's not one thing. It's six months of coming home and going quiet and letting you run everything, and acting like that was normal.
You've been doing this alone with me in the house. I know that now. I should have known in March.
Thursdays are mine now: dinner, kids, bedtime, all of it. Starting this week. You can check.
I love you and I've been a bad roommate. Both are true. Let's talk when you want to.
Mark
The four lines that ruin an apology
- "I'm sorry you feel that way." That is a description of her, not an apology from you.
- "But…" Everything after it erases everything before it.
- "I'm sorry if…" You know whether. Say it.
- "Can you forgive me?" Not in the letter. It makes her do the work on your timeline.
Handwritten or typed?
Handwritten. A typed apology reads like HR. If your handwriting is the problem, type it at NotAText and a real pen writes it in a plain print hand (print reads more sincere than cursive for an apology). We mail it within two business days, or you can mail it to yourself and hand it to her. Send a handwritten apology.
NotAText